When does it stop?

I never expected to go this long without writing. I usually find writing a way of dealing with my stress but this year has blown my stress levels out of the water. I thought about writing but each time I couldn't find the words. I felt blocked, locked down, even crushed by what life was throwing at me. 

I started writing this in August. Things got harder. At least now I feel like writing again.

Some Days are Hard

This morning I slept in. Most mornings I wake up pretty positive. This morning seemed like an average morning. 

However as the day went on I grew more and more, not negative exactly, but down.

One of the things I had committed to today was working the community dinner. Each week during the winter a different organization hosts the dinner. This week it was the Community Team's turn. The library is one of many members of the team.

I had assumed I would either be serving or cleaning up tables. As the day went on the less and less I wanted to interact with the public. I just wasn't up to the endless "when is the library moving?", "is the library done yet?", and so on. I've tried really hard to be positive but it has been 4 1/2 years. I've been the boss for the last 1 1/4 years. At this point I'm tired of not having any move date. I'm tired of trying to be positive to the public. I'm just tired.

So tonight I volunteered to work the dish pit. I actually like doing dishes so I found it very enjoyable. Doing dishes is straight forward. You have a plan and can just focus on getting things done.

Tomorrow I'll go back to being positive.

Dungeons and Dragons

I have always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons. Role laying games were not part of my world growing up. They were just getting started and very few people in my world were playing them. Being of a "certain age" females were not encouraged or invited at the time. 

 

Every now and again I run into someone who plays. I even have friends who actively play. However our schedules don't fit and if they do I am to intimidated to ask if I can play. 

But I remain intrigued by the game and the idea of creating the stories as you play. Critical Role is an Internet show that is simply a group of friends playing D and D. It helps the quality that they are all voice actors and it's on Geek and Sundry. I now look for other role playing games played out on the Internet. I love to watch the players create their own stories within the world. 

Role playing video games are my favourite. I can't cruise through them like my sons but I get a great deal of enjoyment as I play through a good story. I might even finish the major storyline if I get enough playing time.

And that is what grabs me, the stories. Creative stories that evolve as things happen. Adventures told in your mind yet shared with others. I wonder what might have changed in my life if I had ever started playing Dungeons and Dragons?

So Hot

So we're experiencing a plus 30C few days and I'm ready for it to be over. We close up the house about 8am. This might seem a little early but our orientation is such that the sun comes up on one side of the house, rises over the back end and spends the rest of our long day baking the other side of the house. Once the sun goes behind the hills we can open up, hoping for a breeze to cool the house off. Today outside reached 35C. Inside reached 28C. The house does stay comfortably cool until late afternoon when the overwhelming power of the sun gets the better of it and we heat up. 

I could probably have done okay but add in hot flashes and I'm surprised I haven't suffered heat stroke. 

The forecast is for rain over the next few days. We'll see if that really happens.

Getting Old

Getting older is the correct term. Each decade comes with it's own challenges. Some are great, some not so great. Right now my allergies are changing yet again, broadening so I'm finding it harder to eat certain things. My grass allergy has broadened to include many grass grains which means not only wheat but rice and oats too. :-(  Add in me allergy to apples, which is used as a natural sweetener, thickener and binder, and prepared food has become a minefield.

And the arthritis has spread. I'll be the first to admit I have been luck. I have had arthritis since I was a kid but I could always deal with it. Now it has gotten into my spine and that is making life a bit challenging. I sit quite a bit for work and man can that hurt after a while. With my desk under a slanted wall I can't install a standing desk but I have hopes for my next office.

Sleep has also become an elusive target. I find myself waking frequently through the night. Most of the time I can get back to sleep easily but on those days I can't...tea is my friend. Good thing I don't operate heavy machinery.

 Yeah getting older stinks in many ways. However I wouldn't want to relive my youth either.

Is the day done yet?

This week is full. Full of evening events and meeting. Full of class visits to the library. Full of planning for Canada Day, Summer Reading Club, teen programming... Full of tired. I'm going to bed. Have a good night 😴

Sunny Day

We had a hot day today. Mainly sunny with a nice breeze which kept the bugs away. It wasn't a busy day but it was productive. Especially once hubby and the kid went to work :-D 

I've really noticed that I need a "day off" during the week. That rarely means no housework or errands get done, but it does mean I take some time to do the things I want to do, reading, playing a video game or puttering in the garden. That time gives me a chance to mentally recharge. Some of the "self-care" that mental health workers promote. Because it is true, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anything else.

Movie Night

Hubby and I went to see Mad Max: Fury Road tonight. Wow. Now I see what all the fuss was about. 

Having seen the other movies when they came out I was impressed with this one. It felt "real". You could see how this weird world could have come about from OUR world. 

Whether it is resonating with my generation because we grew up with Mad Max or because the story was so powerful, or perhaps a combination of the two, it was an amazing movie to watch. Even the teens in the theatre were silent as they watched. That doesn't happen very often.

I think this movie will stay with me for awhile. 

Birthdays

Birthdays are important in this family. Not for the marking of age but as an excuse to get together. Tonight the immediate family and some close friends got together to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. Instead of cooking we went out. It was s good change (no cooking, no cleaning). The year has been rough and we had not been celebrating these things. But it is important to take the opportunity to get together because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Happy Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow. If hubby gets home we'll go for dinner. We've invited another couple to join us, her birthday was last week. There is almost 20 years age difference between us yet we have so much in common. We've become "auntie" and "uncle" to their young daughter, even though she could be our granddaughter. 

The boys won't remember it's my birthday because hubby won't remember to remind them. I'm the one who reminds everyone else about birthdays. I don't think I should be expected to remind my family about MY birthday. I was shocked when my mother remembered this year. She forgot last year. Missed speaking to my brother this week (I phone once a week) I doubt he and sis-in-law will remember. They're in the middle of a big home renovation project. 

It's a "big one" this year. I'm not sure how I feel about it. My best friend and I had spoken last year about doing something together to celebrate. She's a week later than I. But a death in our family and an upcoming wedding in her's changed our priorities. So my birthday won't be a big celebration. We're not the big social couple that we used to be. 

In my heart I'd like hubby to do something special but he's not that type of person. If I wanted a party I'd have to do it myself and that just feels like work.  That and we can never predict when hubby will be home... 

I thought I'd spend some of the money my mother gave me on some new shoes. Unfortunately the one place was closed and the other was having a sale, which meant nothing in the size or style I wanted. Looked for a purse and couldn't find one the right size. I hate when you want to buy something and you just can't find what you're looking for. Being in a small town means not having a lot of places to look either.  

I was looking forward to this birthday last year. Now after the long awful winter, it just doesn't feel like anything special.

Maybe hubby will make it home, our friends' daughter will feel better and we'll actually make it out for dinner. I can hope right?

I missed you

I got the job. You remember, that one you told me years ago to go for. You would have cheered me on when I got the temporary position and harassed me about taking so long to make up my mind. "See, you were meant for this. " I can hear you say with a big smile in your voice. I miss you.

The snow is gone. We should be talking flowers, how did your perennials do and what are you planting this year. I miss you.

At Easter I watched my sister-in-law do the dishes with her sister and friend and realized that used to be us. We were the ones who always did the dishes after the big family meals. Taking a few moments together in your aunt's tiny kitchen to do the dishes, talk about family, our lives and the mundane things. Those moments surrounded by the hustle and murmur of a well fed extended family ( including those we'd adopted as family.) It struck me then how much I missed you. 

This will never go away. I know it will get easier but for now...I miss you.

The End

The end comes near

I say goodbye

To the one whose heart

Made me sing and fly.

Smile for me

Laugh and enjoy the sun

Think of us

When the time is done.

Secrets

When a parent is dying it can be hard knowing what to tell a child. It can be hard deciding what, how and when to have these difficult conversations. The age and emotional maturity of the child also must be taken into consideration. Then you need to pick the right place, home or the hospital, alone or with family/friends around. You need to rehearse what you will say, be prepared for possible questions and reactions. 

When you're part of the extended family/friends circle you don't always know what to say or do. Kids can say what they're thinking at any moment. Sometimes they just need someone to be "normal" with. 

Sometimes they just ned to be quiet with someone. 

In the end all you can do is be there, letting them know there is someone who cares and will be there to help.

Today

The walk home from work seems to be a good time for me to think. The problem is not taking the time to write down, dictate or other wise get these thoughts down so I don't forget them. So today, hours later I'm going to try.

At the board meeting today one of the board members asked if I thought we were doing more outreach programming because we were still in the temp location then we might otherwise do. ( we were going over the year end report at the time) I didn't think much about it at the time because of course we were doing more outreach programming because the temp location is too small for some of the things we do. But the more I think about it the more I think the number of programs we are doing in outreach has more to do with the requests of our patrons have made. The adult movie matinee is one of those. It works better in the cozy room of the seniors lounge. I'm not sure we could duplicate the environment in a meeting room. Open Mic Poetry Night is another program that works because of the location at the Snowdome Coffee Bar. 

There is a trend in libraries to do more outreach programming. It helps us reach people, organizations etc. that we might not reach otherwise. It also changes the public's perception of the library as a walled garden. We ned the public to see us as a partner in the community, a supporter of a healthy and vibrant town.

We're going to need to work hard to bring up our visibility in the community. Programming in the library and outreach will help. 

Now What?

24 years ago hubby's cousin lived with us the first summer after our eldest was born. She'd come home at 3am after work and I'd be up nursing or simply rocking. Eldest didn't sleep much. Cousin and I would have these rambling late night talks that I see as the start of our friendship. 

I remember her calling me in a bit of a panic, wondering if she was doing the right thing. At the time she was mid pregnancy with her first child and was panicking with the thought of staying home. She had been working for years and didn't like the idea of "living off" her then boyfriend (later, husband). She had called me because I was a stay at home mom with two kids and she wanted to know how I had dealt with the change.

I remember her eldest never wanting to wear clothes and how her dogs were really just more kids, but with better manners. ;-) I remember the first time we looked after the eldest three for an evening, so she and her hubby could go out for the first time since kids. And how her 1 1/2 year old son cried for 3 hours because he wanted his mom. 

I remember how over the last few years I had developed a habit of stopping in for tea after work on Fridays. We'd sit around the table visiting with the kids and each other. I miss this.

I remember how her health started getting strange, the changing symptoms, the endless tests, the depression. How her eldest daughter stepped up to the plate, wrangling her 3 younger siblings, driving her mom to appointments, trying to help. I remember how some many people stepped up to help out. 

Now she's reached a critical point. Her husband, children, mother, and siblings are with her at the hospital. There are friends and extended family there too. Hubby & I have discussed going in to see her but there is so many people there already. We are helping by staying home, looking after her dog, watching her house, supporting the friends who have supported her over this long year.

If she makes it through, if she comes home, things will never be the same. New relationships have been forged. New strengths have been found. People have been changed. Relationships have been changed. We have been changed.

Hope and the knowledge that if anyone can make it through this crisis it is her, help keep me going.  

Family

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

I was raised in an extended family that always stressed family first. Most of the time that is a good thing. Support is always there when you need it. Unfortunately if there is a difference of opinions it can add stress to already stressful situations. 

Right now a relative of my husband's struggling with an autoimmune disease. This has created a great deal of stress within the family sometimes turning relative against relative. People have a need to assign blame, what caused it, what should have been, who should she have seen. 

Trying to keep my sanity and patience. Not always easy :-(

Christmas

I didn't think it would bother me this much. Our eldest son has decided not to come home for Christmas. That makes it 7-8 months since we've seen him.  He and I talk every week, sometimes several times. But it is not the same as having him home. He likes to point out that the last few years he was home but worked through the holidays, so it was almost like not being here. I reminded him that we would still cross paths, often late at night, so I could actually see him.

Now I understand why my mother tells me she just wants to be in my space for awhile. We 've got a country between us not just 1/2 a province ;-) 

These stages of motherhood can be a real drag.

Remembrance Day

For today I shed a tear,

for those who've left us standing here,

To thank them for the sacrifice

Of dying to protect our life

Not perfect but heart felt. Remembrance Day may have started as a way of commemorating the "Great War" but it had already evolved into a way of remembering all veterans of armed conflicts, long before the "official" move. 

My children used to ask why I watch the ceremony in Ottawa rather than attend the local one. Each year they have watched me dissolve into tears as the ceremony goes on and they now just sit and watch with me. Once I watched the ceremony because it let me "remember" at the same time as my parents and I could call and we could talk. 

My mother's uncles enlisted in the RAF at the beginning of WW2, before Canada had entered the war. They flew as part of a bomber crew, although having 2 brothers on the same crew was unusual. I remember interviewing one of them when I was about 8 or 9 for a class project about their participation in the war. Looking back on it now I realize how difficult it must have been for him to talk to me, and the other cousins that were there. We had to stop as he became very emotional, saying " we don't talk about it, we don't talk about it..." I don't remember what question I asked but his response will stay with me forever. A sign of his times - ignore the mental pain inflicted, if you have no physical injury you're fine.

My mother's youngest brother enlisted  in the Air Force out of high school. He was stationed in many places throughout Europe and Canada, even serving in Cypress. He was even given the honour of standing guard at the War Memorial during a Remembrance Day ceremony. While his Air Force career did not include periods of large conflict, his UN career included the first peace keeping missions to The Middle East. We as a family were happy he was on the home side of the supply chain. However he knew many in harm's way, including a few who lost their lives. He participates in his local ceremony to show support for those that serve now and in the past. Our family goes to show their support for him, to remember family members and friends who have served and to show support for those that have served and currently serve. 

A number of my friends enlisted after high school. I considered it myself. At the time women were not in combat and had limited options of what they could do. That didn't appeal to me. Some of them are still in the military, others have left to go onto other things. None were killed but all have some tale to tell. Now I have friends with children who have enlisted and they are in active conflict zones. Remembrance Day now includes my thoughts for these people, their strength, their hurts and their safety.

That is what Remembrance Day should be, remembering the past, thinking of the present and pondering the future. We need to be thinking of the people who lost lives, were injured in body and spirit, who stood up anyway to defend ideals that matter more now then ever. Peace, freedom, family, country are important. The world and the people in it need us all to be willing to stand up as a whole and say No More.

Lest we forget.

Meandering Thoughts

After 12 years of evenings and weekends, I have started a new job that starts early in the morning 5 days a week. If it weren't for the fact that I have been working 8, 9, 10 hour days over the last few weeks I don't know if the change would have been this easy. Working all those hours messed up my body clock so bad that the shift to longer day shifts is going to be easy ( I think). 

The first week of the new job has gone well. Of course having 3 days of it focused on a book fair that set a new sales record for us could account for that. This next week has Remebrance Day in it and 2 days of Health and Safety training. I'm hoping that the week after that will be an example of a "typical" week for this job. I'd really like to have one of those.

Terrible weather is on its way here and I should get prepared. Or I could finish the laundry and read a book. Yeah, that's what I'll do. ;-)

What the Future Holds

Change is good, necessary and natural. It can also be scary & stressful. It is also an opportunity you can take advantage of.

My boss has recently retired and I have taken on the interim director position for the next 6 months. This buys the library board sometime to see if the new library will be done and gives me a chance to see if this is something I'd like to do for the long haul.

This first week has been stressful, exciting and full of learning. Things are off to a good start.