When does it stop?

I never expected to go this long without writing. I usually find writing a way of dealing with my stress but this year has blown my stress levels out of the water. I thought about writing but each time I couldn't find the words. I felt blocked, locked down, even crushed by what life was throwing at me. 

I started writing this in August. Things got harder. At least now I feel like writing again.

Some Days are Hard

This morning I slept in. Most mornings I wake up pretty positive. This morning seemed like an average morning. 

However as the day went on I grew more and more, not negative exactly, but down.

One of the things I had committed to today was working the community dinner. Each week during the winter a different organization hosts the dinner. This week it was the Community Team's turn. The library is one of many members of the team.

I had assumed I would either be serving or cleaning up tables. As the day went on the less and less I wanted to interact with the public. I just wasn't up to the endless "when is the library moving?", "is the library done yet?", and so on. I've tried really hard to be positive but it has been 4 1/2 years. I've been the boss for the last 1 1/4 years. At this point I'm tired of not having any move date. I'm tired of trying to be positive to the public. I'm just tired.

So tonight I volunteered to work the dish pit. I actually like doing dishes so I found it very enjoyable. Doing dishes is straight forward. You have a plan and can just focus on getting things done.

Tomorrow I'll go back to being positive.

A New Tradition

I took the little girls shopping tonight just like we used to do. Moonlight Madness meant lots of socializing which was fun. We saw lots of friends and acquaintances. There were many sad glances from people who knew who they were. We had a very short list to look for and we got it all. 

There was only one rough moment when a clerk asked if the candle E bought was for her mom. 

They are looking forward to being away for Christmas, fulfilling that last dream you had. 

As Christmas gets closer it gets harder for me. All the things we used to do preparing the holidays, the fun we had browsing and discussing which was the perfect present. I will miss your caramel popcorn. Who's going to tease me for waiting till the last minute to put up the lights? I look around my house and see all the snowmen you got me over the years. It makes me smile and cry a few tears. It's going to take while to change those traditions we had. 

 

Dungeons and Dragons

I have always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons. Role laying games were not part of my world growing up. They were just getting started and very few people in my world were playing them. Being of a "certain age" females were not encouraged or invited at the time. 

 

Every now and again I run into someone who plays. I even have friends who actively play. However our schedules don't fit and if they do I am to intimidated to ask if I can play. 

But I remain intrigued by the game and the idea of creating the stories as you play. Critical Role is an Internet show that is simply a group of friends playing D and D. It helps the quality that they are all voice actors and it's on Geek and Sundry. I now look for other role playing games played out on the Internet. I love to watch the players create their own stories within the world. 

Role playing video games are my favourite. I can't cruise through them like my sons but I get a great deal of enjoyment as I play through a good story. I might even finish the major storyline if I get enough playing time.

And that is what grabs me, the stories. Creative stories that evolve as things happen. Adventures told in your mind yet shared with others. I wonder what might have changed in my life if I had ever started playing Dungeons and Dragons?

A week in review or

Is it over?

Our eldest some was home for about 5 days. I say "about" because he arrived Monday evening and was gone by lunchtime on Saturday. The purpose of his visit was to see family and enjoy Canada Day here at home. He did visit almost all the family members and saw the friends he wanted to. On Canada  Day I ran into some old school friends of eldest' that he hadn't seen in a few years. I sent the other to get him and they ended up spending two days visiting. 

The BBQ on the other hand didn't work out. We moved it to our house because we weren't sure hubby would be home to drive. [neither eldest or I drive] None of the people invited came over, no messages either :-(  which I thought rude. He was becoming quite bummed when one of his old friends showed up. We fed him and they sat in the back talking for hours. It turned the evening around for him. 

Canada Day for me went well. Youngest helped me set up for the family friendly activities and hubby helped us take down. We got more volunteers then I was expecting and more kids/families then I was expecting too. Overall a great first time experience. Although my legs hurt the next day from walking up and down the hill in flipflops. 

I took Friday off to spend some time with Eldest. Hubby happened to be home too which made it extra good. On Saturday we were able to meet Eldest's coworker and his family, when they came up to pickup Eldest and the bike he was giving them. They made it a day trip and I am thankful we were able to spend a few moments with them before they turned around to go back. They are a lovely family and it's good to see Eldest has some solid friends there. 

Now things are returning to normal. The pets are roaming around looking for Eldest but they adjust. The laundry is on, the dishes are next. Leftovers wil be eaten today. The week is done.

Family

Our eldest is home for the week. Already he is planning a large BBQ out at the lake. It started as my idea but has spiralled out of control. We'll see what really happens. 

So Hot

So we're experiencing a plus 30C few days and I'm ready for it to be over. We close up the house about 8am. This might seem a little early but our orientation is such that the sun comes up on one side of the house, rises over the back end and spends the rest of our long day baking the other side of the house. Once the sun goes behind the hills we can open up, hoping for a breeze to cool the house off. Today outside reached 35C. Inside reached 28C. The house does stay comfortably cool until late afternoon when the overwhelming power of the sun gets the better of it and we heat up. 

I could probably have done okay but add in hot flashes and I'm surprised I haven't suffered heat stroke. 

The forecast is for rain over the next few days. We'll see if that really happens.

Countdown

Last meeting before Canada Day was today. Several of the Party in the Park participants did a walk through of the park, working out the placement of the various activities, porta-potties etc. I have a better picture of how we'll set up now. 

Several security and health care questions came up today. I need to make sure I have a few first aides among my volunteers. 

Guess we'll see how things go.

Balance

Sleep/awake

Together/alone

Calm/chaotic

Strong/weak

Warm/cold

Us

Getting Old

Getting older is the correct term. Each decade comes with it's own challenges. Some are great, some not so great. Right now my allergies are changing yet again, broadening so I'm finding it harder to eat certain things. My grass allergy has broadened to include many grass grains which means not only wheat but rice and oats too. :-(  Add in me allergy to apples, which is used as a natural sweetener, thickener and binder, and prepared food has become a minefield.

And the arthritis has spread. I'll be the first to admit I have been luck. I have had arthritis since I was a kid but I could always deal with it. Now it has gotten into my spine and that is making life a bit challenging. I sit quite a bit for work and man can that hurt after a while. With my desk under a slanted wall I can't install a standing desk but I have hopes for my next office.

Sleep has also become an elusive target. I find myself waking frequently through the night. Most of the time I can get back to sleep easily but on those days I can't...tea is my friend. Good thing I don't operate heavy machinery.

 Yeah getting older stinks in many ways. However I wouldn't want to relive my youth either.

Video Games

My dad is a child of the depression. Which means nothing ever got thrown out until it could no longer by fixed or became too expensive to operate. Due to this my brother and I had Black and white TVs in our rooms long before that was a thing. Of course this was also during the time before cable reached our town so we had 2 local stations, 3 late at night. 

One day dad brought home a Pong game and gave to my brother. Pong was one of the first mass produced game systems for the home. It included a console with two controllers. You could play single or against another person. Essentially you bounced a ball back and forth by controlling your paddle which was a line that could travel up and down in a straight line. The ball got faster and faster and you had to react to keep it from getting past you. I found it fascinating and could play for hours, occasionally talking my brother into playing against me. 

Given my interest you might think I would get into video game arcades. However our town never had one. The only games available were in bars so weren't available to me till much later. By then I had no interest. 

It wasn't until we got hubby and I got our first home PC that I returned to gaming. This was followed by my brother giving his Playstation 1 to my sons and my mother-in-law gave them her sons' old Nintendo gaming station. From then on we have remained a multi platform home. I still love games, preferring RPG games with a puzzle element and a strong story. Being the best is not important to me. I'm looking for an immersive experience that gives me an escape.

I just wish I had more time to game regularly. Now I game sporadically, gaming for hours when I do. At this time of year, with E3, I love to listen to the upcoming game announcements. Oh to play some of these games. The art work, the stories, it's storytelling and some of the stories they are telling are very cool. It calls back to an old style of storytelling that lets the audience influence where and how the story evolves. Today we get good art too.  

Games = stories at their core.

Canada Day

In our community Canada Day is huge. There are activities all day from 9am to 11:30pm when the fire works go off. When our kids were little we did everything, with a nap around dinner time so we could stay up late. ;-) For the last 10 years or so I've been responsible for the library's parade float. This year I decided to forgo the parade float and decided the library could organize the family/kids activities in the afternoon. Of course it now looks like only two of us will be available to work it. I have some volunteers but need several more. I'm going to have to reach out to my friends. In exchange I will purchase fundraisers, and all the other supportive things friends of the family do. The teens might require a bigger bribe, probably involving food. Hoping I can get away with slushed but have a feeling pizza might be required. 

Hope my friends don't disown me before this is over.

What day is it?

This week has gotten completely away from me. Suddenly it's Saturday and I have gotten very little productive, personal stuff done. Tonight we have a Lions Club fundraiser then it will be home and hopefully sleeping in.

Cause sleep needs to happen.

Is the day done yet?

This week is full. Full of evening events and meeting. Full of class visits to the library. Full of planning for Canada Day, Summer Reading Club, teen programming... Full of tired. I'm going to bed. Have a good night 😴

Sunny Day

We had a hot day today. Mainly sunny with a nice breeze which kept the bugs away. It wasn't a busy day but it was productive. Especially once hubby and the kid went to work :-D 

I've really noticed that I need a "day off" during the week. That rarely means no housework or errands get done, but it does mean I take some time to do the things I want to do, reading, playing a video game or puttering in the garden. That time gives me a chance to mentally recharge. Some of the "self-care" that mental health workers promote. Because it is true, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anything else.

Lacrosse

I am a lacrosse fan. Not a rabid, know all the stats fan, but a dedicated fan none the less. Tonight I was able to watch my team play a nail biter of a game and win. This win makes them league champions for the first time in their history. I couldn't be happier for them.

Of course the downside is the season is now over and I'll have to wait until next year for more lacrosse.

Movie Night

Hubby and I went to see Mad Max: Fury Road tonight. Wow. Now I see what all the fuss was about. 

Having seen the other movies when they came out I was impressed with this one. It felt "real". You could see how this weird world could have come about from OUR world. 

Whether it is resonating with my generation because we grew up with Mad Max or because the story was so powerful, or perhaps a combination of the two, it was an amazing movie to watch. Even the teens in the theatre were silent as they watched. That doesn't happen very often.

I think this movie will stay with me for awhile. 

Birthdays

Birthdays are important in this family. Not for the marking of age but as an excuse to get together. Tonight the immediate family and some close friends got together to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. Instead of cooking we went out. It was s good change (no cooking, no cleaning). The year has been rough and we had not been celebrating these things. But it is important to take the opportunity to get together because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Blog June

(I vaguely remember hearing about blogjune from some Australian or New Zealand library people I was following Twitter several years ago. I was just getting started in social media and blogging at the time. It sounded like a way to get myself to write more especially online. I have never linked to the official movement but have used it as a personal challenge to write.

Being away from home put a kink in getting started yesterday however I've never expected perfection, just expected me to write more often than I did the year before.

So here is the boring start of the 2015 version of my self challenge to blog everyday in June. 

Let's see what we can do tomorrow 😎

Happy Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow. If hubby gets home we'll go for dinner. We've invited another couple to join us, her birthday was last week. There is almost 20 years age difference between us yet we have so much in common. We've become "auntie" and "uncle" to their young daughter, even though she could be our granddaughter. 

The boys won't remember it's my birthday because hubby won't remember to remind them. I'm the one who reminds everyone else about birthdays. I don't think I should be expected to remind my family about MY birthday. I was shocked when my mother remembered this year. She forgot last year. Missed speaking to my brother this week (I phone once a week) I doubt he and sis-in-law will remember. They're in the middle of a big home renovation project. 

It's a "big one" this year. I'm not sure how I feel about it. My best friend and I had spoken last year about doing something together to celebrate. She's a week later than I. But a death in our family and an upcoming wedding in her's changed our priorities. So my birthday won't be a big celebration. We're not the big social couple that we used to be. 

In my heart I'd like hubby to do something special but he's not that type of person. If I wanted a party I'd have to do it myself and that just feels like work.  That and we can never predict when hubby will be home... 

I thought I'd spend some of the money my mother gave me on some new shoes. Unfortunately the one place was closed and the other was having a sale, which meant nothing in the size or style I wanted. Looked for a purse and couldn't find one the right size. I hate when you want to buy something and you just can't find what you're looking for. Being in a small town means not having a lot of places to look either.  

I was looking forward to this birthday last year. Now after the long awful winter, it just doesn't feel like anything special.

Maybe hubby will make it home, our friends' daughter will feel better and we'll actually make it out for dinner. I can hope right?